Honesty

My thinking feels very fuzzy today.

I woke up today feeling awful, it must be the flu that’s been whipping around and hitting everyone.

I’m in a mental fog and frenzy. I feel anxious, and annoyed with myself.

I feel like I’m not trying hard enough in life. I know that I’m not.

It seems like I’m waiting for some semi-subconscious part of myself to grip onto some cue from the universe to be productive in the way I wish to be. Like I’m waiting for something. It’s laziness and my fear of rejection/criticism getting in the way. 

When I create something of value I hide it and admire it completely alone. Because if I suddenly leave it exposed to be cut down, then I can lose any existing drive to create, I can lose any pride I have in the things I have made.

There’s a part of me that seems like a proud little man, he comes up with these tasteful monologues about not caring what everyone thinks and the wonderful things that everyone will say about me when I finally get it in myself to release what I’ve made.

At the moment I’m struggling with The Honesty Project. The main challenge is getting volunteers to let me take them to some secluded spot in a park or a quiet coffeehouse downtown and just spill their guts into my camera.

Way back when I did a psych experiment I couldn’t get any volunteers until I added a small bit to the fliers I had put out to get volunteers: volunteers will be paid $5 each.

I can’t pay anyone this time around, for one because I’m preparing to move across the country, and two I couldn’t trust someone who was just there for a tiny bit of cash.

I’m working on the logo for this project, at first I had so many messy drawings of the words “The Honesty Project” all squished together. I wanted all of the letters and words to be touching, I wanted all of them to be connected in some way, so they couldn’t be alone. It turned out horribly. I stayed up late for a couple of nights, just sketching. I would end up doodling top hats and stick figures and anime eyes when the letters started to get to me. Work together, dag nabbit!! 

Finally I ended up combining the letters in the initials of the project instead. And I made it look like the image was dripping ink a little. The letters were combined because the project is meant to make us feel we aren’t alone, and the image was dripping because the path to the truth can feel messy.

It ended up looking a bit creepy, really. Skinny little lines with the ends of the symbol inspired by old-timey serif fonts. And the drops almost appeared to be drops of blood. It looked more like the logo for a cult than anything else. 

Now it’s fattened up a bit more, with no blood to be seen. Image

 

I wanted a logo to stick on my fliers for the project, but I’m waiting on feedback from someone whose opinion I value greatly. Odds are the logo will be placed on the fliers as-is, since there seems to be nothing but silence from said someone.

There are three, maybe four folks I’d do anything to work with. This someone is one of these folks.

Alrighty, I have e-mail to check and NyQuil to guzzle. 

Quack

There is nothing I can say here that hasn’t been said before.

That’s what keeps me from writing posts a lot of the time.

It’s what keeps me from doing a lot of creative jazz.

You won’t read anything here that can’t be found somewhere else, and any vlogs I post will be echoes of who knows how many other vlogs.

But I still want to write and record everything anyway, because it’s all new to me. What I’m doing and saying is fresh to me. And for some reason saying it feels like I’m doing something of grand importance for myself.